May 4, 2011
Each time I hit a milestone birthday, I always make a list
of things I want to do, or hope to accomplish within the next five years. I have been really fortunate in my life to
experience many great things, like watching the Eiffel Tower light up at night,
riding horses through the Kaibab National Forest, snorkeling with sharks in
Belize. (This past week I was able to
celebrate outside the White House as our nation had one of the most historic
days in recent history, another memorable experience) The one thing I never thought I would have to
do, at least for 30 more years or so is undergo a colonoscopy. Over the last year I have learned way more
than I EVER wanted to know about stool samples, big ones, little ones, liquid
ones, blurry ones, you name it, I have done it.
The first time the Peace Corps Medical Officer (PCMO) handed me a small
brown lunch bag and said she would have the courier pick it up the next morning
I looked at her like she had dipped in to her medicine cabinet. She wanted me to do WHAT? As I peeked into
that brown lunch bag, which did not contain some fun snack my mom had long
packed for me, I found a little plastic cup and a popsicle stick. What the hell was I supposed to do with
this? This was obviously a “learn as you
go” concept. As the PCMO and I soon
bonded over a scale of diarrhea, where I was to label how “liquid” my stool was
on a scale from 1 to 5, I soon realized that my privacy issues had flown the
coop.
Since that day last August, I have become a walking
commercial for all those Imodium and Pepto ads you see on TV, and way too
familiar with anything bowel related. As
Peace Corps Volunteers, I find it both funny and sad that many of our “coffeehouse”
conversations often turn to who is the most regular at the time. I once gave a stool sample in an old Gerber
baby jar at the local hospital in Choluteca, the whole time wondering if that
was the same baby jar that floated around my neighborhood in the 70’s. This whole topic brings me to this last
month, when I was in the hospital for the stomach pain and vomiting bacteria
infection that left me watching late night novellas and “Chicago” in Spanish,
surrounded by my PCV friends cheering me up.
Apparently there is still something in my system, although I’m not too
sure what. After singing the ever
endearing child’s song “When you’re slidin’ into first and you’re feelin’
somethin’ burst…” for over a month now, PC sent me to a specialist who handed
me more bottles than I ever care to see again.
Then, she gave me INSTRUCTIONS, that’s right INSTRUCTIONS on how to poop…
Excuse me ma’am, but I have been pooping for 32 years and I’m
quite clear on this scenario. But, now,
it seems I have to do this on saran wrap and then dig into it for
parasites? If I wanted this job, I would
HAVE KIDS! I might as well wear a diaper
and bring that back to the lab. Then,
after following all her instructions for three days (that’s right three days), I
find out the lab test tubes have been RECALLED.
I’m sorry, but my poop is not good enough for you? In case you don’t know the standard steps on
giving a stool sample, please let me help you out:
1. 1. Eat as much fat and disgusting food as
possible. A little stool will not help;
you want to make sure that you’ve got enough to help out the good doctor. This is not a salad kind of day; I suggest
potato skins lathered in chili or hot dogs from a street vendor.
2. 2. Wait about two minutes, since your body is
already in-normal anyways, it’s gonna kick in immediately.
3.
Apologize to your roommate about the bathroom
situation (and also housekeeping).
4. 3. Take the saran wrap and cover the toilet (I suggest
doing this before you eat, since once it kicks in there may not be time).
5. 4. Scoop up as many parasites and critters as
possible for collection.
6. 5. Sit back and wonder what the hell everyone is
thinking about you.
Now that I have done all of these abnormal things, the
doctor can’t find anything wrong with me.
Even though I still have abdominal pain and my life revolves around the
toilet. This is where the colonoscopy
comes in; it’s like the Christmas bonus I never received from Peace Corps. Muchismas Gracias Cuerpo de Paz! I have been waiting for this day! In excitement, I arrived at the doctor with
two minutes to spare today, just in time to realize I was the only female
there, as well as the only “customer” under the age of 70. When the receptionist asked for my insurance,
I’m pretty sure she wanted to say Medicare.
Obviously this is not the doctor’s office where I’ll be meeting my
future husband. Unless they’re bringing
their grandpa in for a check-up. Here’s
hoping!
Staying positive…this weekend I have more stool samples to
look forward to! Yes! I feel like I should have one of those repeat
customer cards, 10 stool samples and your 11th one is collected by
Brad Pitt! Next week, colonoscopy! Woo hoo, if I’m lucky, maybe ER Doctor George
Clooney will drop by.
Notes from the field: Thanks to everyone who voted for my
Thirdgoal.org video! I won and will
receive $27 to REI to use for my site in Orocuina, Honduras.
See the news here! http://www.thirdgoal.org/blog/
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